When I was 8...

When I was 8 years old, I heard some kids at my school talking about sex. Naturally I was curious so when my granddad picked me up for the weekend I asked him "Granddad, what's sex?" and he turned to me and said he would show me. We stopped off in some woods not too far away from their home and we had sex on the ground. I can't really remember much of what happened and I don't think its appropriate to go into detail. What I do remember is that it didn't happen just the once and each time it did happen he always said to me afterwards: "Don't tell anyone, especially not your dad or the police." Obviously I was confused if this was supposed to be a good thing why am I not allowed to talk about?

About a week later my step mum was getting me changed for bed and I said "Me and granddad had sex." (It was a 11 years ago so what happened next is pretty blurry) I remember a lot of shouting and phone calls, I think my dad was talking to my granddad and then spoke to the police. I remember having a video statements where I had to tell them everything that happened, it was uncomfortable and I was very confused. I didn't really understand what was going on. I was so young that I didn't even realise that what had happened was illegal, I was too young so it was rape. I didn't even know what that word meant.

I was never medically examined because it had been too long since it happened for them to be able to retrieve any evidence so it was just my word against his so there wasn't enough evidence for them to prosecute. It wasn't because people thought I was lying it was just because they needed more concrete proof than just my word.

A few years later the case got reopened because my dad came forward and said that when he was younger my granddad did the same to him and a few more people he knew also came forward saying the same. My uncle also made a statement saying that he once walked in on me naked with my granddad. I was so happy that the case was being reopened, don't get me wrong I felt bad for them no one should have to go through that but at the same time I thought that I would finally get some justice. I had to do another video statement but I couldn't really remember much of what happened but I told them everything I could. I thought for sure that granddad was going to get sent down we had about 5 people all saying that he'd abused them, I thought they can't ignore 5 people surely.

How wrong I was. After a couple months I got a letter in the post from the Crown Prosecution Service and it said that unfortunately the case wasn't going to go to court. The letter said that there was insufficient evidence.

"I have watched the interview you had with the police and carefully reviewed the papers sent to me which included statements from family members, your medical notes and both police and social services material from the 2008 investigation. Having taken all of this material into account I find there is insufficient supportive evidence of your account such that a jury is unlikely to be sure that the sexual assaults happened, or happened in the way described.

I would like to stress that my decision does not mean that I do not believe what you said to the police. I simply do not think that a jury will be able to find this case proved beyond all reasonable doubt."

I also found out that my uncle had lied about walking in on me naked with my granddad and the police figured this out because apparently the dates didn't add up as he was on holiday at the time he said. The moral of that story is to not lie because it can ruin everything and more than likely will.

Obviously I was so angry. I threw the bowl I had in my hand across the room, flipped the coffee table in front of me and stormed out of the house. Here I am at 20 and I still haven't got justice and I probably never will.

I haven't told you all my story to make you uncomfortable or to upset anyone. I'm sharing my story so that people know to come forward as soon as it happens no matter how scared you are because if you have physical evidence you are so much more likely to get justice and you can stop that person from doing it to anybody else. I also wanted to tell you all of this so that everyone who has kids or know someone with kids teach them from as young as possible to tell a grown up if anyone touches them in inappropriate places immediately so that they don't have to go through what I did. Not getting justice bloody hurts and I would hate for other people to have to go through that. The last reason I wanted to talk about it is to give people the confidence to talk about it if it happens or has happened to them and also to show those people that they are not alone and unfortunately these cases are so common.