The truth about my Anxiety

I am writing this blog post so that people can understand my anxiety. I get asked a lot of questions about it some people don't believe I actually have anxiety. I am going to write about the type of anxiety's I have and how they affect me, what people do that doesn't help and what people can do to help.

I have 3 types of anxiety: Emetophobia which is a fear of vomiting. Cibophohobia which is a fear of food and Agoraphobia which is a fear of being trapped.

Emetophobia:

Emetophobia is a fear of vomiting and it is the route source of all of my anxiety's. Every single moment of the day I am scared of being sick and because of this I feel nauseous all of the time. It means that I sanitise my hands all the time, I really struggle to share a bathroom, I don't drink alcohol, I don't eat certain things or share drinks with people, any time someone starts to show symptoms of being ill or they say they feel sick I can't be anywhere near them, if someone is sick in a bathroom I won't use it, sometimes I think I can hear people throw up even if there's no one around or they're just coughing, If people are sick because of alcohol consumption or food poisoning I still can't be around them even though I know it's not contagious because I always worry about the possibility that it could be something else, I don't like being around really drunk people in case they puke, if I know there is a bug going around I will hide in my room and not leave the house, if somebody gets ill I will also have to wait for 72 hours to see them even if they don't feel ill. Even a simple illness like a common cold can set off my anxiety. I even get scared to brush my teeth sometimes or have shower because they have made me feel sick before of I've been sick after doing them. Anything that has caused me to feel sick or that has made me vomit i tend to avoid like the plague. I am constantly on edge because of it and a lot of the time it keeps me up at night.

Here is a link so you can read about this phobia for yourself: https://www.healthline.com/health/emetophobia

Cibophobia:

Cibophobia is defined as the fear of food. I am scared of eating certain foods because of the fear of them making me ill. I worry mostly about meat (especially chicken), fish, sauces or things with sauce in them (e.g coleslaw, potato salad) milk, frozen food, milk and eggs. My biggest fear is being sick and so I am constantly worried about getting food poisoning. Because of this phobia I am afraid to cook for myself and whenever I do I usually don't end up eating it. I also struggle in restaurants, fast food and take-away places. I have to check reviews any time I go to eat from a new place and if I see just one that says they got ill or that they know of people that have got ill from there I won't eat their food even if it was from years ago. As well as all of that I won't eat food that someone else has touched or from an open packet/container and I can't drink from other peoples drinks too. If someone cooks for me I have to make them use my sanitiser or watch them wash their hands, I'll watch them prepare it and I have to check all the dates on what they use and how long certain foods have been opened for and sometimes even after all that I can still struggle to eat it. A lot of the time when I eat it will take me a very long time to eat and I nearly never finish a meal. Whenever I do a food shop I wont buy fridge/freezer stuff because I'm scared that by the time I walk home it wont be save to eat anymore so I have to order my food online and half of the time I still don't eat any of my fridge/freezer stuff. I mostly live off of supermarket meal deals, pot noodles, pasta, rice and snacks. About a year ago in the first couple months of university I lost almost 2 stone because of my Cibophobia. A lot of people think that I just can't be bothered to cook or that I don't know how to but I have a genuine fear.

Here is a link so you can read about this phobia for yourself: https://www.healthline.com/health/cibophobia

Agoraphobia:

Agoraphobia is a fear of being trapped. When this first started I thought I was just scared of public transport but I realised that it wasn't just buses and trains that set me off, it's being in any situations where I feel stuck or trapped. I also get scared when I'm in places where I feel like I have to stay or that it would be rude to leave. I get panicky about being on the motorway, planes, being in lifts or on escalators, being in queues in really busy shops, waiting rooms, going to work or lectures, going to events or certain places (e.g restaurants, cinemas). This condition stops me from travelling, makes it difficult to see friends or family who live far away. I also have knee issues which means that I end up in a lot of pain when I walk up stairs or hills but because of my fear I have to walk up stairs if I'm too scared to use the lift. It means that I can't go to places that aren't within walking distance, so I can't go to theme parks or zoos or any places that are nice for a day out. Here is a link so you can read about this phobia for yourself: https://www.healthline.com/health/agoraphobia#causes

How all of this issues affect me:

Having these conditions makes it extremely difficult to cope with day to day life because I struggle to eat, shower, brush my teeth, sleep, go places and sometimes I can't even get out of bed in the morning. I have panic attacks a lot and almost everything makes me anxious. A lot of the time I can get depressed because of it especially after a panic attack or not being able to do something because of my anxiety which can lead to me self harming and feeling suicidal. I am having to give up on my dream job (which is Acting for those of you who don't know) because it's just not a realistic goal for me anymore because I can't get on buses or trains or boats or planes and I can't even go on the motorway.

What doesn't help me:

When people constantly comment on it. When I tell people I can't do something because of my anxiety and they say "Really!" in the most condescending way, I know how stupid it is I don't need you making me feel worse. When people try to persuade me or force me into situations that they know make me anxious, I know most of the time they're just trying to help but it makes me feel like I can't trust them not to make me do things I don't want to do and it makes me feel guilty and I shouldn't have to feel guilty for having a mental health problems. When people tell me it's all in my head, I am well aware its all in my head but that doesn't make it any less real and difficult to manage. All of these reactions make me ashamed of myself and they make me more anxious.

What does help me:

When people just accept it when I say I can't do something. When people offer to help me. When people are calm about it and don't question it. When I'm panicking and people ask me what I need and keep me company. That's all it takes. That's all I need from people. To be calm and to try and help.