Confidence Problems

So, on the 15th of November 2019 I cut my hair into a pixie cut. I had wanted to do this for a very long time but didn’t have the confidence until quite recently. Once I finally did pluck up the courage and do it, I really hated it. I had never had such short hair and I missed my long hair. Then I loved it. Not having to brush massive knots out of it all the time, not leaning on it, being able to sleep next to my partner and not having him lie on it, shorter shows, shampoo and conditioner lasting longer, hair drying quicker and not having to worry about styling it in the morning. However, after about a month of soaking in all the great things I realised I really didn't like the way I looked, and I still don't. I feel like it makes my face look chubby and childish. The jawline and cheekbones I thought I had were gone because I don't have hair to define my face more. I feel exposed.

At the same time as all of this I had to change contraception and anybody who's been on contraception will tell you they come with some shitty side effects. I have a really oily face now and so many spots not just on my face but my back and even some on my neck and collarbones. This makes me feel even worse and because I have a pixie cut, I can't hide the parts of my face that I could before. See when it comes to contraception sometimes it feels like you're going through puberty all over again, you get loads of mood swings, acne and you start gaining weight. Obviously because of all of this I've been feeling very self-conscious, I don't feel attractive and when I look in the mirror, I don't recognise myself.

Now, I'm not saying I used to think I was the hottest girl in the world, but I was happy with my figure and my facial features whereas now I feel square. I look in the mirror and feel like my reflection is someone else even when I look at photos, I feel ugly and unrecognisable. Every person who was born a 'female' will tell you that our stomachs aren't flat, it's impossible for them to be flat completely because of where everything sits in that area. Even so, many people will try so hard to make their stomachs flat and I've noticed mine sticking out more than usual and it's added to the problems I have with my body and as far as I'm aware I haven't put any weight on in fact I've probably lost weight. Since this lockdown has started, I haven't been eating properly because I have no routine and my anxiety is obviously really high so I'm mostly living off of pot noodles and way too many chocolate bars but hey at least I drink a shitload of water, right?

I'm not saying I'm not still a twig because I am, my collarbones and rib cage are still quite prominent, but the extra bloating of my stomach makes me feel ugly and my hips aren't as obvious as they once were, so I feel wide. Like you know when you go to the fair and they have those mirrors that make you look a funny shape? I feel like I'm looking into one of those and that I've just been stretched sideways. I feel quite boxy and I fucking hate it. I know there are things I could do to fix my figure but with my knee problems and my anxiety problems making me feel like I'm going to puke 24/7 it's kind of difficult and obviously even if I could exercise it's a bit difficult with everything going on right now.

Now, I'm here at 3 am writing all of this because I was in bed crying about it all and realised that this would be a good thing to write about and get off my chest. I was hoping maybe writing about it would make me feel a little bit better and it has but that doesn't mean I don't still feel ugly and gross. To be honest I do mostly forget about it until I actually look at myself in the mirror or when I get undressed before bed or when I get out of bed. This all really frustrates me because my body positivity was all I felt I had left. It's no secret the I have a lot of anxieties about food and travel and sickness. Even though the world is quite literally in the middle of my worst nightmare all I can think about (other than the Coronavirus) is how I can't recognise myself, I feel like I look like such a different person right now and I just want to go back in time and have my long black hair back and my daily red lipstick. Oh, that's another thing I don't even like wearing red lipstick anymore! Like who even am I now?! If you knew me before university I wouldn't be surprised if your head just exploded 😂

I've written this blog post for two reasons:

The first reason is to help myself, writing my feelings out really helps me to understand them and makes them feel less heavy. Once I understand them and they don't feel so big I can start to work on it.

The second reason is so that anybody else who reads this and feels this way either now, in the future or has before can know that they aren't alone.

To be honest, those two reasons are the reasons why I write all of my blog posts. I used to just write them out but never show them to anyone because I was worried what they would think of say but I realised that that's probably how other people feel too and maybe if I wrote them for anyone to see that other's might feel more confident to share their own story because it is so important to tell people how you feel, if you are ready.

If you have any tips for me to help me feel better or if you want to tell me your story please do comment or message me. 😊

If you take anything away from this let it be:

YOU ARE NOT ALONE PLEASE TALK TO SOMEONE IF YOU ARE READY.