To the girl that was only human:

When someone you know dies it can be hard to know what to do, say and think and it’s even harder if they died by killing themselves because you know they would have been suffering so much. You don’t just decide you’re gonna kill yourself, a lot of things have to have happened before you even start thinking about suicide and I know this because I have been there. I wanted to die last year because of a lot of things, my past was one of the biggest but a lot of what was going through at the time just didn’t seem worth it. I was struggling so much before I even contemplated suicide and the worst part was I was struggling alone.

The person who made me want to write this killed herself this year. I used to live in a care home with her and she wasn’t that nice to me. I never knew where I stood with her because it was like she had two personalities one that only I saw and one that everyone around us saw. She would torment me around other people and sometimes when we were alone. She was the first person to make me self harm, she was the first person to make me think “Why do I bother?” She made me feel like shit to some it up in one word. Sometimes however she was so lovely to me, she’d look out for me, she’d do my hair and make up, she would help me if someone outside of the home had upset me.

So you see my problem, I’ve just found out this girl I used to know has killed herself and I’m not sure how to feel. Some days she was a bitch and other days she was so sweet, she was hard to read. I still felt bad though and I still feel bad now. I feel for her because she was only human and she was struggling and unfortunately she couldn’t keep her head above water and felt she had to do whatever it was she did to kill herself. I feel bad because I lived with her surely I should be sad? Surely I should have cried and gone to her funeral? Instead I just stared at a wall and felt unexplainable. I was trying to sort out my thoughts in my head, I tried to cry but I couldn’t, I tried to write on her fb wall about how lovely and beautiful and talented she was but I couldn’t, it didn’t feel right. I knew the people knew our relationship and I knew they would think I was faking it and maybe a part of me would have been faking it because to be honest we were complicated. It’s not like I had even spoken to her since she left, I didn’t know who she was when she died but I still felt/feel guilty.

I am sad she died because she didn’t deserve to feel so low that she felt she had to kill herself. I am sad about the girl I used to know when she was nice to me. She was one of those girls that could make you feel special when you were included with her, she was someone who would have your back and tell you how it is at the same time (if she liked you). I’m not saying she’s a bad person, I’m just saying sometimes she did bad things like all people do (well most anyway). She was still a person, she was only 21, she still had so much to experience. She was a talented singer and she was absolutely beautiful. For those she cared about she was amazing at supporting them. She’d just been through a lot of stuff, things someone of her age should have never had to deal with. I haven’t known what to say since I found out, I still don’t even know if this is the right thing to say, I’m probably going to end up with a lot of backlash from this but I just wanted to say my bit and I’m sorry if offend or upset anyone.

I want to tell her that I’m sorry she felt she had to do what she did. I’m sorry that she was going through such a hard time. I’m sorry for the trouble we had. I will always remember you. I will always remember your amazing singing , your beautiful face, your gorgeous smile, the good times we had together as well as the bad and I will always remember the time I stole “your” chicken nugget and you called me out for it on facebook. You weren’t an angel but you were only human may you rest in peace and see your mother again.