Dead Dreams

When I was a little girl I had such an idea of myself as an adult. I told myself that I was going to be a strong, career driven, independent woman and it wouldn't matter if I had my own family or not, I was going to succeed. I always thought I was going to be famous. I was going to be so rich and powerful. I always thought I would be bossy and I wouldn't take shit from anybody. For as long as I can remember I wanted to be an actress. Now I look back and I hate how much I have changed. That vision I had all those years ago seems like just a dead dream. I am not so strong anymore. I feel powerless. I feel like I'm never in control of myself anymore, like I'm just some puppet and somebody else is holding the strings. I don't even want to learn about the career I wanted anymore.

It never used to matter to me that being famous was difficult if not impossible because I was going to do it. I was determined that nothing could stop me. It's an impossible dream for me because of my anxiety. I cant even get on any form of public transport, how am I supposed to get to auditions and sets, how am I supposed to make it in America if I can't even get in a car and go down the motorway? I hate that I'm not going to be that strong, career driven and independent woman that I always dreamed of being. I don't even know what I'm going to do with my life anymore everything I think of either sounds like hell or something I couldn't do because of my anxiety.

I always thought I would never do so many of the things that I have done. I said I would never stay with someone that cheated on me or emotional abused me. I said I would never let people bully me. I said I wouldn't let anything or anyone stand in the way of what I wanted and most importantly I said I would NEVER give up on my dreams. I was going to be what I wanted and nothing could stop me. I was going to be a star. How can I be with my past and my anxiety eating away at me at every second of the day? What will I be in the future? What even am I now in this moment?