Panic Attacks

While I’m writing this I’m trying to distract myself from having a panic attack. I’m walking alongside my partner and I’m seeing lots of school kids and it’s making me think of when I was in school and how quickly time is going and it’s scaring me. I can’t say anything but I want to. My body is stopping me, like something is catching my words before I can even say them. I wanna scream and cry but my fear is holding them back. I’m just deadpan like a blank canvas walking along, a robot that hasn’t quite finished being built. All I know is I can’t stop thinking about it, each time I think of something else my mind goes back to thinking about how fast time is going and how I don’t want it to end and what happens afterwards. I think about this quite often and it scares me so much that even just thinking about it makes me feel like the ground is swallowing me whole. My partner touches my leg and gives me a smile, I smile back despite wanting to scream out that I’m trying not to panic, it’s like I’m a sim character being controlled by someone else. I get images in my head of the world carrying on without me and flashes of my coffin in a church with the light from the sun shining through, to me it feels like Heaven even though I don’t believe in God, it seems like that’s where you go in the end. I get those images all the time and I can’t get them out of my head.

Writing this post has actually calmed me but the feelings I were having before still linger in the pit of my stomach waiting to pounce once more.